Words Worth Keeping

By Jewel Rose Torotoro

When I woke up early in the morning, my father always told me, “ang bunso nako mata na (my youngest girl is awake already)” and then he will play and tickle me. Unending laughter from the two of us couldn’t stop. Those moments were in my grades 1 and 2. For me, it was so nice hearing that line coming from my father’s mouth. I was very happy every time he spent his time playing with me. For me, everything he did was an assurance that he will always be there for her youngest girl.


In my 3rd and 4th grade, his famous, previous, repeated line, “ang bunso nako (my youngest girl)” had an additional line which goes like this, “lang, humana sa imong pagskwela before ka mag-uyab-uyab ha (finish your studies first before having a boyfriend)” which didn’t really matter to me since it never crossed my mind having a boyfriend at that age. He kept on reminding me that I should finish my studies first before having any relationship with a guy even if I care not about it. There were also times that we have a heart to heart talk. Of course, the “bunso nako (my youngest girl)” and “humana ang skwela before ang uyab-uyab (finish your studies first before having a boyfriend)” were also repeated there in our conversation and some additional lines like, “pag-excel sa imong pag-skwela (excel in your studies),” and “paningkamot jud nga makahuman ka (strive hard to finish your studies)” and the like. I am not bad or happy-go-lucky on my elementary years; it is just that, he loved telling me those because it was his frustrations. He wasn’t able to finish any degree because they don’t have enough money and was also abandoned by his parents. He even said that those words of wisdom were not a command but an advice for me to keep.

Grade five was the most unforgettable moment. During that time, my father was already sick. He had Cirrhosis – the liver can’t function very well and has become scarred which caused by alcoholism. We always brought him to the hospital once or twice a month. Even if every day was a struggle for him, he never stopped reminding me those words of wisdom he had for me. He also added, “lang, ayaw og sundog kang papa nga mo-inom og manigarilyo ha (don’t be like or follow papa who loves to drink and smoke)” for it was the reason for his sickness. I was always willing to hear whatever he said ever since. What hurts me the most was that, he’s trying to show to me that he was happy and fine even if it was so obvious that he was hiding the pain inside. And every time I saw him lying in his bed, so pale and thin, I missed the strong and vigorous father I have. I also missed those times that he spent for me. Those smiles and corny jokes he had. Those games we played together. I simply just missed being with my father.

I am aware that he was sick, very sick but what I do not know was that his days were already counted. He had 9 days left starting from the time he went out from the hospital-May 22, 2002. My mother kept that as a secret to most of us except for my second and third eldest brothers. On his ninth day, May 31, I was not in our house because my mother asked me to buy something for him in the city. I was flooded with text messages and phone calls by my siblings then. They wanted me to go home, so I hurriedly went home. When I arrived, a lot of people were inside our house. Our neighbors, my siblings, the whole family was there surrounding my father. My mama and the manghihilot were closer to my father, they kept on encouraging papa to breathe and hold on. When I went near to him crying, his heart beat faster. He looked at me and smiled then suddenly, he closed his eyes and he had no pulse anymore. He stopped breathing. He was gone. He was dead. What was more painful was that, he just waited for me. It was as if, I’m the sign of his last breath.

The pain I felt inside was too heavy. I can’t even find words to describe what I feel. A lot of questions were also popping out on my mind at that time. I couldn’t understand why he left us that early. I couldn’t accept that he will not there by my side for he kept on telling me that he will always be there for me. I can’t take the fact that I will grow up without a father whom I expected the most to guide and protect me. The feeling was like I’ve been betrayed and left hanging in the middle of nowhere.

As his youngest girl was (and still) growing up, I realized that I am doing what my father has always been telling me in my childhood years. Unnoticeably, I was following his advices or words of wisdom to me. In my elementary and high school years and even until now, I don’t have any vices like smoking and drinking. I am also an achiever and someday will finish my college degree with BA Communication Arts in UP Mindanao. Also, I never had a boyfriend. I am NBSB (no boyfriend since birth) and I am kind of proud of that since I am not like the other girls that cannot live without boyfriends. Even though I had suitors, I never entertained them. Maybe because, I am afraid to be left by those like what my father did to me. I am afraid of taking risks. I am afraid of what might happen. I am afraid of the unknown.


I was then 12 years old when my father died. I knew nothing about what life is and could be without him. But, it seems clear to me now and I can possibly answer my questions at that time. I now understand and realized that papa’s words of wisdom was and will a guide for me to grow up independently; to give importance in everything; to be contented and responsible. In a way, it somehow shaped and molded me as I get to know the things around me better. Being left by a father at that young age of mine was not for me to hate things and go myself into waste but a challenge for me on how to handle my life without the one important person. This is life: everything happens for a reason. I am who I am today because of him and unexpectedly, I am living the way he wanted me to be. His youngest girl is now a lady but still treasuring his words that worth keeping.